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| hey beautifuls
so i decided to change my user name it is now x3nonfat_latte. I decided to change it because x3tinyy_dancer was well, when I was a dancer. Ed took dance away two years ago so I thought it was time to change the name. I have created it but I'll be working on it, getting m background and such up but please if you still want to follow me, friend request and subscribe (:
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| start: 129.0 ooohh you know everything is just wonderful. I have been drowing myself in water and sipping coffee one after another. I'm eating but watching out. I purged today (first time in awhile) three times, I have kept nothing in except some starburst jellybeans and the "every other coffee" with a small drop of almondmilk. I am losing weight again, and loving it. But my mood, it's in the shits. I feel so out of my skin, out of my body. I am not allowed back in until i am completely satisfied with how I look. Its like im a shadow just watching as I go through the day. Not being able to work out much is ruining the hell out of me. Warm weather please come, I need my running back.
I had a nurse appointment today at the ED center, I finally went after a couple weeks ago I got a call from my therapist saying "I know you're trying to skip appointments". Ehh didn't go so well but at the same time it did. I was told these exact words "I am not here for the rest of the month but when I come back if you have lost 5 or more pounds I will have to put you under as anorexic". I could do NOTHING but laugh, and then cry. Laugh because I do NOT have anorexia that was me 4 years ago, I am way to huge (129) to be anywhere close. I have bulimia, though it's absolutely disgusting, that was who I was it was mine, and though they took that off my charts because I hardly purge and binge anymore, I just don't think it's fair that they are going to stamp me as that. Well, I also think it's funny because (i am so huge) I now get weighed with my clothes on? I know weird... so thats two extra pounds. I can't waterload because I pee in a cup, ive got caught with that in the past, but I sure can add some weights to the panties. My vitals were'nt good laying down I was 49 pulse and standing up it jumped to 96. She says, "well I think you're dehydrated" ok I can go with that. It's funny cause my goal to lose 5 pounds is two weeks (plenty of time). She asked if I was following my meal plan, I flat out said no... I don't believe in snack. I just think it is so stupid, having three "big" meals and being ordered pretty much to have a grain and fruit for morning snack, protein and grain for afternoon snack, and protein 2 fats and fruit for night time snack (I know they are a little weird for snacks but in the past i had to add the things I was really lacking long story). She actually suprisingly said... "ari I just want you to have your three meals" though I fight with my two therapist that i don't need snacks and they say I do. I don't need snacks cause I'm fat, they just wont admit. Before I left she said "im proud of you, you just need to eat more, I know your trying to play with the system you need to be more truthful. Oh and please try to get some sleep" ouch that was a slap in the face. I can't sleep, I have nightmares. You say you're proud of me but you try to throw anorexia at me? whateverrrr.
the crying was how stressed I am, disgusted, ugly, and weak I am.. I have finally settled down. My life is pretty boring right now playing with food and losing weight. Maybe I am fucked up, maybe im lying to myself more than to them.....I don't know I just want to curl under my blanket and never come out.
stay strong ladies.
stay beautiful
COMMENT (:
a comment always help 
"can I please have those thighs"
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this is me stressed out
I know i know im so sexayy
hello ladiess,
ugh I feel like such a fucking fat pig! I'm not eating a lot, I mean yesterday I guess i ate way more than wanting too (really didn't want to count the calories), but it was one day and it's like I woke up 300 more pounds. my therapist is trying to tell me that 3,500 = a pound which I knew. and that keeping it under that I won't gain weight, but then thing is I do, i know I do and she doesn't believe me. I could be 128, eat something one day more than usual and be like 134. it's soo fucked up and i'm so frustrated. Today I ate up to 810 calories (fuck my life) but im drowning myself in water.
I'm finally feeling better, ugh I was so sick I was completely deaf in my left ear, couldn't taste anything, losing my voice, nose running it suckked and I had noo energy to work out what so ever. So again, I feel like a fat pig. Like i just wish there was a way to disappear my fat thighs. They are actually very muscular I won't lie, but they just wont shrink, EVER. I hope it's nice out like today tomorrow I'm in a much need of a run outside. I am running a marathon in virginia beach this coming sept. I'm excited for it (and an excuse to use the gym more) but I mean I already did that one and my goal in life is to get a marathon done in each state and my mom was like I want to do virginia beach again, gah.
fuckk, i know i have a lot to say but my mind is blank. I guess im just going to browse around, i'm in my room for the rest of the night because I feel disgusting and fat and don't want to be downstairs smelling everyones din din. Hope you all had a great saturday.
stay strong
think thin
&& comment
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heyy girls so I've been sick and just woke up this morning even sicker and Im having a bit of a hard time with life.
I'll make my post once i'm feeling up to it, who knows maybe it will be tomorrow. xo
keep staying strong
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ugh. I am so not okay. This week is suckin and it's only been two days. I don't know whattt the fuckk is wrong with me. Not eating? could be a possibility, but i don't knoww. I feel when I use to never eat I never felt like this. I'm just so out there, anxious, and afraid. I didn't do anything all day, I layed down watched t.v and smoke some cigs when I decided to get off my ass, oh and filled myself with coffee, lots of coffee. My dad and I just got back from barnes and nobles/ starbucks, I got the books brave little girl eating and wasted though I've already read Wasted is was 4 years ago and i can't find the book, i want to read it again. I did NOT want to be there, as much as I wanted to be out of the house, away from my mom, I just had so muc anxiety around people. That usually happens when im not eating much though. While waiting at starbucks for my skinny vanilla latte I thought I was going to pass the fuck out and I couldn't stop shaking like out of control. I had to talk to myself to stay up and then my dad and I fleed. I got home to mom bitching cause her and my brother got in a fight, i asked my mom to please stop yelling at me i can't handle it and she was like why can't you handle it? and I just started balling my eyes out and said im having a hard time and ran to my room, where the shaking started again. She is such a bitch. Like, ugh fuck i don't know what to doo, therapy tomorrow at the ED center though.
Though I know I should eat something I can't, I had the skinny latte and just fucked it, im in bed, can't fall down and we'll see tomorrow. I don't know what im going to do wednesday for work though, i need to eat a good meal I can't pass out, but i know it's going to be so hard. Why is it people can fast for like weeks and I can't go a day without wanting to crash on the floor? maybe the drinking last thursday and friday didn't help, maybe some of my levels are down who knows but fuckk i just gotta keep thinking skinny and beautiful.
Hope you are all doing well and didn't get stuck with rainy shitty weather like we did.
leave comments, please
and stay strong think beautiful
damage:
[b] multigrain english muffin (100)
[s] reduced fat cheese square (50)
[l] multigrain english muffin (100)
[s] grande skinny vanilla latte (130)
[d] fruit smoothie thing (170)
total: 550
what I had for dinner they are pretty cool, already ready smoothies you just add 1/3 fat free milk, stir and it's 200 cals but i didn't have anymore skim milk so i didn't put any in
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